24) Fenway Park
Stuff Smart Ass Voice Writers Like
Published: Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Updated: Thursday, November 5, 2009 15:11
Opening Day is today and that means another six or seven month dedication to the team known as the Boston Red Sox and the hopes of gaining a third world title this decade is making all the SAVW quiver with the thought since we've waited two goddamned years since we've won a title. (Damn you, David F****n Price!) We have the mighty midget Dustin Pedroia, the Greek God of Walks Kevin YOUUUUUkilis, and the loud-mouth drunken dancer Jonathan Papelbon back for another season but the most important return is that of Fenway Park.
The Damned Yankees decided to get rid of the old home and make a new Yankee Stadium and quite frankly this SAVW thinks that ol Hanky Panky (George Porgey's baby boy!) Steinbrenner is a moron. You're going to get rid of the House That Ruth Built?! What about the history?! You give more seats, bathrooms, and concessions?! The hell with that, I want to watch Robinson Cano play on the same field as Bucky Dent. That way I can yell at him because Dent used a corked bat to hit that home run (Damn you, Bucky F****n Dent!).
Now John Henry, Larry Lucchino, and Tom Werner they know what fans want. They want things kept the same but with little additions. The Green Monster's there but with ads about the Jimmy Fund. The Manual Scoreboard with ads spanning across the entire Monster. Pesky's Pole. The Pesky Pole ripoff, the Fisk Pole. And of course, my favorite the Coke Bottles... wait no, they got rid of those. No matter that's fine, I mean you can't keep everything.
The essence that is Fenway is remarkable and if you're one of the few proud people that can call themselves ticket holders then you get to enjoy the beauty of the park unless you have obstructed view seats. This SAVW had to track down a couple scalpers to get grandstand tickets for a game last year and I got them for the nice price of 75 bucks a piece and that was before I straggled him down from $125 each (125 for a game against the Royals, my inner Bill Simmons is screaming Ladies and Gentlemen, your post-2004 Boston Red Sox!)
The atmosphere inside is nothing alike it seeing the sea of red and blue....and green... and pink that is the legion of "hardcore" Red Sox fans. They all agree to get rid of David Ortiz (He hasn't hit a game winning home run in three months, he's all washed up! BOOOOOOO!), they think Jonathan Papelbon can start and close (IT's PAPELBONNNNN! HE CAN DO IT!) but the biggest thing is that the fans in there really know how to belt out Sweet Caroline lemme tell you. Especially the blonde two rows behind me rocking what looks like a pink Varitek jersey shirt (The C is what gave it away but the C's are what got my attention.) I went up to ask have an in-depth conversation with her about Varitek's struggles. Here's the gist of the conversation:
Me: So you're a Varitek fan? Hot Blonde: Yeah he's SOOO hot. Me: Actually he's hitting below the Mendoza line. Hot Blonde: Oh he's dating a hispanic girl?! Lucky girl. Oh well Jacoby Ellsbury is more my type I would love to pow-wow with him..... Me: Yeah he's a fast but he's not a good leadoff hitter yet. Hot Blonde: You're still here?! UGH Get away from me! SECURITYYYY!
I eventually ran into the bathrooms and hid in the long lines and put on my Sox cap and started chanting YANKEES SUCK to blend in with the crowd but I also had to go the bathroom so I stayed there and waited. And waited. After that I waited some more. Did I mention that the lines are long? But that's fine, it's a small price to pay for watching a game at Fenway. By the time I got out of the line, the game was over. But that's fine I'll just take some cash out of my student loans and drop 300 for Monstah Seats against the Orioles! After all nothing's like watching a game on top of the behemoth wall even though it's a bleacher seat!
Yep, those Yankee fans have no idea what they're missing.