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Find the world's most mouthwatering candy bar (perhaps of the Wonka persuasion), split it in two, eat one half and throw the other away. This image, in short, best describes the experience one endures while watching Disney and Tim Burton's painfully mediocre reimagining of "Alice in Wonderland."
In Burton's version of Wonderland – or Underland, as we are instructed to call it – there is neither time for merry unbirthdays nor perplexing riddles, only strict business, and from the moment the movie begins this is made perfectly clear.
Take, for instance, our first glimpse of Alice, still only a child, quietly interrupting her father's business meeting seeking comfort from a dream involving a talking rabbit and tea party. Hmm… Sound familiar?
Fast forward thirteen years later and Alice (Mia Wasikowska), now 19, is uncomfortably mingling about a party meant to seal an engagement between her and a haughty lord. After second guessing the decision our leading lady runs through tangled shrubbery in pursuit of a white rabbit, and the rest is history.
But unlike previous interpretations, the moment our older Alice lands with a thud in Underland, it's clear that something is strangely peculiar. Why does she have no recollection of this whimsical world where everybody knows her?
Never ones to waste time when it comes to official business, Alice soon learns from her (un)familiar friends that it is her destiny to overthrow the head-hungry Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter). In order to do so, she must defeat a dragon-like monster called the Jabberwocky, thus restoring the White Queen (Anne Hathaway) to the Underland throne.
What this ultimately leads to is an overly guided epic adventure where every creature and critter acts as a tour guide, leaving little room for self discovery and intrigue. What we end up with is a choppy vision of this otherwise intriguing landscape.
With Burton – the man with the Midas touch for all things macabre – as director and the zany works of Lewis Carroll as his muse, it's hard to imagine the final product turning out so poorly; especially considering his superbly sinister adaptation of Roald Dahl's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" came just five years prior.
That's not to say, however, that "Wonderland" is void of any brilliance, and it doesn't take much searching to find it.
Simply strip away the digitally created backgrounds, stylized set pieces and action-packed sequences and what Burton's cast of actors have created is a powerful performance piece.
Wasikowska plays the title heroine with subtlety as she grows, shrinks and battles her way through the dangerous maze that is Underland. Johnny Depp, as the flame haired Mad Hatter, also adds yet another iconic character to his lengthy repertoire.
Alan Rickman, better known as Professor Snape in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, voices the all-knowing Caterpillar with ease. Also excellent is British talent Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat, purring each line with near perfection.
Yet it is Bonham Carter that seems to have the most fun here, sinking her teeth into her role as the Red Queen. She's a boisterous bobble head of a woman and from the moment we meet her Carter plays up the character like a vengeful Marie Antoinette, ready to behead anyone who stands in the way of her crown (and cake); and she has a bloody moat of floating heads to prove it!
While the dedicated performances help make "Wonderland" enjoyable from start to finish, the film's lazy latter half is too bogged down with uninspired sword fights to salvage much of anything else.
As for the 3D element, it really doesn't add much considering Burton shot the film in 2D and merely converted it. Save yourself the money and see it the old fashioned way.
For Burton, this is macabre moviemaking at its most mundane. Although "Wonderland" shows signs of promising potential, in the end we're left with only half of what could have been the most satisfying fairytale-to-film adaptation.
Next time Disney decides to head down the rabbit hole, it's probably best to skip the trip. Instead, go looking for the other half of that discarded candy bar. Believe me, it's bound to offer more pleasure than this regrettable feature film ever could.
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