27) Cancelling the Prom

Recently, a high school in Mississippi came under scrutiny for not allowing a lesbian student to bring her girlfriend to prom, or wear a tux like she would prefer. Their solution? To cancel prom altogether.

Personally, I think this is a fantastic idea. I don't know why all high schools don't do this. I would rather cancel the whole thing than let this girl's shenanigans ruin something as dignified as the prom.

After all, what is prom for? That's right: it's for drinking heavily while wearing expensive dresses and tuxedoes that will never be worn again.

Oh, and sex. Lots and lots of sex. HETEROSEXUAL intercourse. The kind that basically happens on the dance floor. We all need to make "American Pie" as true as it pretends to be, so sex it up everyone.

Why should I have to stare at two girls dancing with each other? And touching… and kissing… and…

Oh, sorry. Got lost in thought there for a second.

Back to what I was saying: I shouldn't have to watch two girls kissing. I should be focusing my attention on the person trying to mix drinks under the table, but making it so blatant that it's almost painful to watch. And the person trying to smoke weed for the first time but failing miserably.

Was this girl thinking of anyone but herself when she tried to go to prom? Did she consider the feelings of the guy who gets arrested for underage drinking and can't figure out why, even though he was the one who came out of the bathroom with no pants on because he's just that drunk?

Oh yeah, and my date. Almost forgot about her. I spent $100 on this rental tux, and my date spent $300 on her dress. We should be able to throw up on our expensive attire without having to think about lesbians.

But no, thanks to this Mississippi girl, I would have to have the image of kissing lesbians stuck in my head while I'm trying to drunkenly hook up with my date (note from the future: strangely made it better).

And what if the school had let her wear a tux? Do we really want Hilary Clinton look-a-likes at prom? No we don't. Unless Bill came along. We always want him back.

Then there comes the problem of deciding the prom king and queen. If the girl won king, doesn't that mean a guy could win queen? That's not right! We really need to keep the monarchical system in place. Gay guys will want to be queens next, which I think is redundant. "Tobias is a queen" would have way too many meanings.

My head is hurting. Sorry, my parents are cousins, so it hurts when I think too deeply.

What is the real moral of this story? Assimilate. Why be yourself when you can be like everyone else?

And brownie points for you, Mr. Principal, for having the guts to pull the plug. No seriously, I made brownies. I'm allergic to chocolate so I thought you would want them. They contain a special ingredient I borrowed from the kid who burnt himself trying to light a bong.

Prom was one of my fondest memories of high school. Well, what I can remember of it anyway. Mostly, I remember waking up in a pool the next morning with floaties on my arms and not knowing how they got there.

Why would I ever want to ruin those memories by having to be around people who are different than me? It's just not right.