31) A Corporate Carol
Published: Sunday, October 30, 2011
Updated: Wednesday, November 2, 2011 14:11
Dear Retail Stores of America,
As you all know, Halloween is upon us. So why is it that when I walked past Macy's today, I saw Christmas decorations hanging from the ceiling? Why is it that TJ Maxx has started playing holiday music already? Why is it that I am already seeing stores with a "Countdown to Christmas"? Last time that I checked, Christmas was about TWO MONTHS AWAY.
On the one hand, you guys are kind of smart. When customers come into your stores to buy Halloween costumes or autumn decorations, they happen upon holiday themed items. That inevitably plants a subliminal message deep into their subconscious, and that message is….
"Christmas is coming…I should start planning ahead…if I don't buy things now they will be all sold out by the time Christmas rolls around…and that set of snowmen is reasonably priced at $39.99…if I buy them now then I will be full of SO much more Christmas spirit then my neighbors…and yes, I should DEFINITELY buy those Santa-hat-printed underwear for my boyfriend/girlfriend…"
But on the other hand, having Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa shoved down my throat from October 15th through December 26th is really, REALLY annoying. It's too much of a good thing. Need I remind you that all good things come to those who wait? And that patience is a virtue?!?! You, Retail Stores of America, are not good with patience. And your lack of patience is making ME lose MY patience with YOU.
Before you call me Ebenezer Scrooge or The Grinch or some other hateful Christmas villain, let me just say that I do love the holidays. A lot. I love nothing more than to drink hot chocolate while watching "A Christmas Story". I adore listening to Frank Sinatra sing Christmas songs while I decorate the tree with my sister (while telling dirty jokes). I do love the holiday season! But not when people are throwing Christmas ornaments in my face and trying to persuade me that my life will not be complete without a light-up reindeer hat.
In conclusion - Retail Stores of America, just tone it down a notch, okay? Would it kill you to wait until at LEAST the second week of November to start breaking out the "ho ho ho's" and whatnot?!?! I really doubt that you will lose much of the millions of dollars that people spend in your stores over the holiday season. I really doubt that there will be another economic crash if you just wait a couple of weeks before you start chucking candy canes at customers. And I really doubt that there will be a deficit of holiday spirit if we are not subjected to some naughty Mrs. Claus lingerie before November. So why don't you guys practice a little restraint, and have some patience this holiday season?
A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
An Unhappy Customer