Smart Ass Voice Writers: April Fools

April Fools day is upon us again. The day when being malicious is praised. Shouldn't the Joker be the mascot of this day? It only makes sense. The ultimate joker should be praised today like Santa is on Christmas. Or like the Easter Bunny is on the day Jesus became a zombie. But I digress...

April Fools day is a day we should celebrate much like the other big holidays. Why can't we be rewarded for putting the charred up remains of Beowulf into our English Literature's professor desk? My personal favorite is to give the answer to a math problem on my calculator, then hold it upside down and show the professor it says BOOBIES. And with so many students living in the dorms, why not pull a full floor prank? Scare the bejeezus out of a floor by turning off all the lights then having someone wearing a glow in the dark suit jump out. Classic!

My other ideas were.......wait, what are you doing here? I thought you were at work........what are you doing iluhasdgiunsadgiubasdgiub.......OW that hurt!

SMACK!

POW!

THWAK!

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First of all, I'm going to go ahead and propose the idea that if you start yelling "smack," "pow," and "thwak" when being physically subdued, you've been reading far too many comic books.  Onomatopoeia is great and all, but a simple grunt or whimper really would suffice when you're being wrestled away from your keyboard and subsequently backhanded like a colonial indentured servant that probably just should have stayed in Europe and given up on all those silly ideas of religious freedom and the quest for a new life.

Second of all, I'm back, bitches.

I, Kevin Jordan, have but three regrets in life. Things that are not included in this list of three:  writing in my 4^th grade year book that my career goal was to be point guard for the Chicago Bulls. Do my knees crack when I climb stairs? Yes. But does that mean I can't still run 5's with the big dogs and drop 25 points a night on the likes of LeBron and Kobe? Probably.

Things that are, in fact, on this list of regrets include: that time I went snorkeling in the Caribbean when I was 12 and a drunk Midwesterner attempted to urinate on my jellyfish sting, that time I was pulled over for an aggressive driving maneuver and did not respond with "that's what she said" when the police officer told me I "pulled outta there awful fast," and never writing a "Smart Ass Voice Writers" article.

Well, it's time to grab life by the balls. And with a new $50 ticket under belt for making sarcastic comments to a police offer and then arguing that obeying traffic lights is merely a suggestion in Massachusetts and that he should take his booby-trap set of teeth back to England and stop taxing our tea, it's time to knock another one off the list.

My fellow writer Kevin Finnigan asserted earlier in this article that April 1^st should be a day reserved for playing practical jokes on all those around us, only to be showered with gifts after doing so.

This idea, in a word, is horseshit.

Practical jokes shouldn't be reserved for one day a year when everyone is expecting then.  Cremating Beowulf's human remains and shoving them in a teacher's desk. It should be something acceptable everyday of the year. Scaring the bejeezus out of your fellow dorm-dwellers should happen on a daily basis. And boobies should be celebrated 24/7, 365, and should be an acceptable answer to every math problem.

"Today I drew highlighter on myself and ran down the hallway of 10 Somerset." Yawn.

"Today I cracked open 7 glow sticks and rubbed their likely hazardous, iridescent innards all over my body and ran naked and screaming through a nursing home." Game changer.

"Today I replaced my little brother's chocolate Easter egg with a real, raw egg I painted brown."  Rookie.

"Today I clubbed a rabbit to death, dragged it into an elementary school classroom and said to the young, impressionable students, ‘Finally got the little bastard; now where the hell did that fat ass Kringle run off to?"Comedic masterpiece.

Everyone, this April Fool's Day, don't just play a practical joke on someone. Plan a joke, make it your own, and emotionally scar as many defenseless people as possible. And if possible, make sure that if you get into a prank war with a friend, it escalates to soul-crushing levels and continues not just for a day, but for a lifetime, even if it involves legal battles.

Aw hell, he's waking up. This guy is killin' me, Smalls.

Haven't you missed editing me, Ben?

................................................wait...who wrote all this?