2008 Woodie Awards
6) New student orientation
Manny Veiga
Issue date: 6/5/08 Section: Stuff Smartass Voice Writers Like
Look at you, young scholar! Young, bright-eyed, inquisitive, adventurous scholar! You've conquered the mountain, surviving the high school jungle. SAVW commends you for your grand accomplishment. Set your graduation cap aloft, to fly majestically amongst the clouds and float softly to the earth, hopefully not to be mixed up with the one belonging to that kid with head lice.
Now, it's time to put your secondary education behind and move on to the final frontier before real life - college! To help you make that transition, SAVW is here to provide you with an all-inclusive (some-inclusive) guide of what to expect at new student orientation.
You won't be making this journey alone. You'll be guided by some of Suffolk's brightest upperclassmen, who will usher you, in single file, to various programs and activities. You may have done something similar in first grade, so it should be familiar...
Welcome to your life of independence!
After a wholesome breakfast compliments of Sodexo - one boiled egg, unsalted, and a cup of Tropicana - you'll be moved to a lecture hall for an information session, followed by placement testing.
Sounds boring, you say? Not interested, you say? Well, shut up!
At some point, you'll participate in some character building exercises. You'll be asked for your views on an assortment of topics, and stand in the corner which appropriately represents your feelings. Because nothing endears yourself to people you just met more than sharing your convoluted opinions on sensitive and controversial topics.
Doesn't this sound like fun?
You strongly disagree? Um, let's move on.
Hop on the party bus, it's time to head over to a special performance of Suffolk theater. You may have trouble actually hearing the performance, the music can get awful loud on that bus and its possible to blow an eardrum. Disregard the obnoxious dancing driver.
After a busy day of judging your peers, you'll want to unwind. It's late, and you should relax. Or, instead, you can register for next fall's classes! Having trouble deciding what you want to take? Brain feeling sluggish and fatigued? Well you can't sleep until you're finished, so suck it up, wuss.
Your second day will be much like the first, so prepare for more trudging up and down Beacon Hill in oppressive heat. Have you noticed the surprising lack of shade along the walking route? You will.
Helpful tips:
- If you grew up in the suburbs, you may be accustomed to looking both ways and pausing before crossing the street. In the city, it's perfectly acceptable to do just the opposite and cross the street on a whim, dashing in front of speeding cars. Just don't expect the car to stop.
- Learn the rules of elevator etiquette. If you ride from the lobby to the second floor, prepare to be scoffed at.
- If you plan on visiting the Suffolk bookstore, bring plenty of cash. Check your sense of outrage at the door.
- Make sure to visit the Suffolk Voice table at the orientation fair. You can pick them out easily - they're the well-dressed crew with chiseled features and perfect bone structures. Sign whatever they ask, if you can avoid getting lost in their eyes.
- Your first payment is due August 15, 2008. Welcome to the world of crippling debt - er, I mean - real life.
Now, it's time to put your secondary education behind and move on to the final frontier before real life - college! To help you make that transition, SAVW is here to provide you with an all-inclusive (some-inclusive) guide of what to expect at new student orientation.
You won't be making this journey alone. You'll be guided by some of Suffolk's brightest upperclassmen, who will usher you, in single file, to various programs and activities. You may have done something similar in first grade, so it should be familiar...
Welcome to your life of independence!
After a wholesome breakfast compliments of Sodexo - one boiled egg, unsalted, and a cup of Tropicana - you'll be moved to a lecture hall for an information session, followed by placement testing.
Sounds boring, you say? Not interested, you say? Well, shut up!
At some point, you'll participate in some character building exercises. You'll be asked for your views on an assortment of topics, and stand in the corner which appropriately represents your feelings. Because nothing endears yourself to people you just met more than sharing your convoluted opinions on sensitive and controversial topics.
Doesn't this sound like fun?
You strongly disagree? Um, let's move on.
Hop on the party bus, it's time to head over to a special performance of Suffolk theater. You may have trouble actually hearing the performance, the music can get awful loud on that bus and its possible to blow an eardrum. Disregard the obnoxious dancing driver.
After a busy day of judging your peers, you'll want to unwind. It's late, and you should relax. Or, instead, you can register for next fall's classes! Having trouble deciding what you want to take? Brain feeling sluggish and fatigued? Well you can't sleep until you're finished, so suck it up, wuss.
Your second day will be much like the first, so prepare for more trudging up and down Beacon Hill in oppressive heat. Have you noticed the surprising lack of shade along the walking route? You will.
Helpful tips:
- If you grew up in the suburbs, you may be accustomed to looking both ways and pausing before crossing the street. In the city, it's perfectly acceptable to do just the opposite and cross the street on a whim, dashing in front of speeding cars. Just don't expect the car to stop.
- Learn the rules of elevator etiquette. If you ride from the lobby to the second floor, prepare to be scoffed at.
- If you plan on visiting the Suffolk bookstore, bring plenty of cash. Check your sense of outrage at the door.
- Make sure to visit the Suffolk Voice table at the orientation fair. You can pick them out easily - they're the well-dressed crew with chiseled features and perfect bone structures. Sign whatever they ask, if you can avoid getting lost in their eyes.
- Your first payment is due August 15, 2008. Welcome to the world of crippling debt - er, I mean - real life.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Mary Kathryn Kwasnik
posted 6/06/08 @ 11:19 PM EST
It's actually really hard not to get lost in their eyes...those perfect eyes of the staff writers of the Voice.
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