Climate Scientists Slip into Deep Depression After Realizing that Winter Disproves Global Warming

I believe it was Stephen Hawking who, in his book A Briefer History of Time, described that the nature of scientific theory makes it impossible to ever prove a hypothesis. Furthermore, the most accepted scientific hypotheses can be undermined by one convincing piece of contradicting evidence. This idea must be true, because Stephen Hawking is confined to a wheelchair and can't move the way you and I can, meaning that the energy that would otherwise be used for more important things by the typical, physically functioning individual, such as feeding oneself or fist-pumping after misguidedly watching episodes of "Jersey Shore", is used for cognitive, intellectual functions so complex that, if they took place in our brains, would probably make our faces explode.

This truth of the scientific method dealt a harsh blow to proponents of the theory of climate change last week. Howling winds, freezing temperatures, pointy nipples, and the curious phenomenon of frozen crystals of water falling from the sky collectively bitch-slapped those who considered the idea of a warming planet to be an impending reality. As the storm moved across the United States on the way to dumping crippling (sorry Mr. Hawking…it's just and expression) snowfall on our nation's capital, climate scientists all over the world felt a tight knot of realization rise from the pit of their stomachs. They became light-headed, passed out, and many, I assume, became uncontrollably gassy, as I do when I'm nervous. After all of their hard work, all of their peer-reviewed scientific evidence and years of compiling data, they had never realized what is obvious to most of us: it snows in winter.

What truly wrinkles my brain is that it took this long for the scientists to notice. To only have three out of four seasons agree with your theory is downright embarrassing science. That's like having that fifth dentist that doesn't agree with the other four about your toothpaste. What does that fifth one know that the rest of us don't?

To be sure, I checked some facts. And sure enough, according to this guy I know who is totally reliable and legitimate, in some parts of the southern hemisphere it snows in June, July, and August. Rumor has it some places even have snowfall year round. Dagger.

Now I don't want to overreact to this news, but to be honest I feel pretty victimized. For the past few years I've been learning all about climate change and in all that time I was never told about this gaping unexplained rift in logic that spans three months of my year. Why did all of my textbooks, all of my professors, all of the documentaries, and all of the data that I've encountered ignore the snow-covered elephant in the room? What else haven't I been told? Is my whole world a lie? This is making me gassy.

To clear things up, and make sense of how such a flawed theory swept the scientific world off its feet, I did what any good satirical journalist would do: I spoke with the fifth dentist.

"They wouldn't listen to me," said the fifth dentist, a climate scientist who wished to remain nameless because I just made him up. "Every year for three or four months I'd keep having to scrape my windshield in the morning or shovel my driveway on occasion. I kept telling my colleagues that something was up. I mean, there was snow in my driveway. There's no way the global temperature could be rising. They kept talking about things like greenhouse gases, infrared radiation, positive feedback, and thermal expansion. Honestly, I don't know what any of that means. They were so blinded by their data and their facts; they couldn't see what I saw."

The effects of this scientific awakening are likely to be widespread. In addition to numerous climate scientists calling in sick due to humiliation and winter blues syndrome, there have already been reports of more scientists, after blindly falling victim to their evidence for so long, finally listening to their skeptics. Sir Isaac Newton was seen sprinting naked up a hill today, sobbing inconsolably after realizing that gravity was not pulling him back to the bottom of the incline.

Neil Armstrong also held a press conference admitting that he never went to the moon.

"The memories I have from the trip are so vivid, but I know they my mind is just compensating for what I'd like to be true," Armstrong said in a statement. "Disregard the audio, disregard the clip of me jumping around on the surface of the Moon. None of that was real. I'm just so sorry it's taken me this long to realize it."

I assume Buzz Aldrin was not available for comment. I never actually called him though.

It is currently unclear where the field of climate science is to go from here. After such a gross oversight it is likely that much funding will be cut from climatologists' budgets, possibly leading to layoffs. When asked of what he foresaw for the future of his profession, the fifth dentist said, "It doesn't look good at all. I watched the weather today and they're forecasting more snow in the coming days, and I've observed a steady cooling trend since August."

Despite the tight budgets, however, funding is expected to increase starting in April and May once summer approaches and temperatures begin to show a seasonal warming trend. Until then, however, those climate scientists that spent the last two decades trying to shove evidence, and scientific data and explanations down our throats should take their heads out of their asses. You screwed this one up, guys. And you're killin' me, Smalls.