Obligatory Earth Day Column, But Offensive

Well, congratulations, Earth, you turned 40. 

To be perfectly honest, I thought you were older.  Way older.  Like 6,000 years or so older.  Granted, if that were true it would mean calling the ancient Sumerians a bunch of liars, but who cares?  You’ve got the power to cause mass extinctions and what not, so clearly you have the edge.  What did they have?  The first system of writing?  Government? Sure they did.  That’s adorable.  Rule #1 about lying: never leave loose ends.  And if you’re going to make outrageous claims like saying that you lived on the Earth before it was created, you should at least leave some evidence that could be dug up during archaeological expeditions.  Idiots. 

But seriously, Earth, well done.  You’ve certainly been around the block already, but 40 is a milestone, and it deserves recognition.  I mean granted, no one likes you, and you’ve kind of been a douche lately, but we know that celebrating is the right thing to do. 
In all seriousness, no one is too keen on recognizing your years of good health.  You’re kind of like my racist old Uncle Bill.  No one wants to celebrate your birthday, but we do regardless because if we don’t we know you’re going to find the closest Asian person to you and serenade them with a rousing rendition of Coldplay’s “Yellow” until we have to reassuringly explain to them that you just really like British soft rock. 

But don’t worry, Earth, we’ll still have a good time.  There are plenty of party games we can play to keep things lively.  Yes, most of them will involve physically degrading you, but don’t you think you kind of deserve it?  I mean, what’s with all the temper tantrums lately?  Massive earthquakes and overactive volcanoes?  Is this on purpose or do you just have the geological equivalent of explosive diarrhea? 

Well either way we’ll be sure to invite all your closet friends.  I’ve extended invites to Mars and the rest of the planetary gang.  Pluto said he feels awkward about coming and doesn’t know if he’ll fit in, but the rest of your favorite space rocks will be in attendance.  I also took it upon myself to invite some of those who have been the most influential in your life: Thomas Midgely Jr., James Inhofe, ExxonMobil.  Maybe we can even invite Sarah Palin and you can drill, baby, drill her.  Is that inappropriate?  Whatever.  And we’ll keep that hag Mother Nature out of the party.  What a Buzz Killington she’s become in here old age.  Cranky bitch. 

All I ask is that you do your best not to hog all the refreshments.  We’re foreseeing the younger crowd getting pretty hungry and thirsty, so you’re going to want to save some for them.

Also, I’ve been told that you’ve had the tendency to get a bit gassy recently when there are a lot of people around.  Don’t be nervous, they’re just here to support you but at the same time ignore your wishes.  You’re kind of like a housewife that works tirelessly to supply us with everything that we need, but we’re not going to do what’s best for you unless it’ll really screw us over in the short term.  Will you finally snap a ways down the road and possibly kill us all?  Yes, but by then we’ll have a robot that can replace you I assume.  Do I like speaking in questions?  I do. 

Getting back on topic, Earth.  We don’t really want to celebrate your birthday.  We just feel like it’s the right thing to do.  We’re not inviting any hippies though.  We don’t take kindly to those hairy, tie-dyed, granola folk.  Go take a shower.  If you’re one with nature, then nature smells like balls. 

Oh.  Wait a minute.  40th anniversary of Earth Day?  That makes more sense.
Sumerians, you’re killin’ me, Smalls.  Stop making shit up.  (Catholic church, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.  Stop touching boys.)